Why Wine Beats Beer

Snob appeal.

Pairs great with food—all kinds of foods beyond just hot dogs, peanuts, chips, burgers, buffalo chicken wings, etc.

Has super-plenty varieties (and varietals—don't ask).

They come in pretty colors.

And have splendid aromas (most appreciated by oenophiles).

Complexity of flavors, aromas, textures, etc. create endless new vistas to explore and appreciate.

Some get better with age.

Scientific aspects (too complicated for me—I don't get it), tickles some connoisseurs' fancies.

Have professionals that knw primarily about wines. Such a pro may have a fancy, difficult-to-pronounce title like “Master Sommelier.”

The words used to describe wines are poetic and make my mouth water.

There are always top flight bottles that can be had at a price.

Bottled/pouring/and poured wine looks nice and photogenic.

Looks cool when a tuxedoed server opens a bottle, presents a cork, and serves a glass.

Can impress people by showing off knowledge about wines, especially when ordering off a list.

Get better service at restaurants when ordering wine 'cause waiters love the bigger tips and restaurants love the markups.

Wines have that ancient-history mystique thing going: curative tonic, aphrodisiac, bacchanalias, etc.

Jesus' first recorded miracle turned water into wine. Good wine.

Holy communion is sometimes taken with wine, which represents Jesus' blood.

European wines have special cache, after all they include some/most/all? of the world's best.

There are special bars dedicated solely to wines.

Noshes for wines are classy: good cheese, fancy crackers, caviar, escargot, mushrooms, foie gras, etc.

Wine glasses are feminine-sexy, especially compared to brute heavy beer mugs or steins.

Swirling wine in a sniffer looks important.

Can celebrate events by having the neck of a champagne bottle lopped off with a sword by one of those white gloved guys in ceremonial dress.

Wine toasts!

Higher proofs!

They're great as a cooking ingredient, especially in healthy sauces.

Some evidence suggests a glass a day may be healthy for your cardiovascular system and may reduce your risk for certain cancers and may help prevent all kinds of other nasty stuff.

Even the pejorative “wino” sounds better than “alcoholic,” “drunkard,” or “boozer.” (I recently read Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises to my daughter and decided a good alternative title would have been Boozers and Losers. Great story but not my crowd...)

The French create some of the finest cuisine/wines on the planet. They also consume vats of wine. These two facts aren't unrelated. Neither is the type of kissing they're known for. In fact many claim their favorite organ lies not betwixt their thighs but amidst their mouth.

Wine corks/stoppers are sort-of fun to remove with a humorous hollow pop sound that pleases.

Boxed wines are economical, ecological, tasty, and last way longer after opening.

Wine corks/bottles can be used for way more alternative purposes if you're into such stuff than beer bottles, tops, or cans.

The constellation of wines available to choose from at liquor stores, specialty shops, and grocers is vastly superior to the slim pickin's beer selections. This is especially true for connoisseurs who seek out specialty craft beers. 60% - 90% of the square footage of typical beer sections are devoted to cases of piss-water domestics—you know, those promoted on TV during sporting events, often beginning with a B or M. At restaurants, the situation is worse—domestics that consist of the usual suspects (what's with America's love affair with lagers?) with one or two fake crafts and/or lousy imports. Occasionally, bars have the good stuff on tap, but you'll pay the price for it.