Why Beer Beats Wine

It's far more suitable for do-it-youselfers. One of the best beers I ever had was an ale made in the U.W. dorms by a pair of residents. They boiled the mash in a huge pot on the communal stove and stuck the huge aging bottle bubbling away in storage. A few weeks later, they bottled the brew and tried to wait (not too successfully) until it had fully matured a couple weeks later. All that went in were barley, hops, yeast, and water—the fo0ur traditional ingredients of the finest beers (none of this bubble gum stuff of honey, pineapple, compressed gas, etc.) it was their first effort, though admittedly, their next effort was not so inspiring. All the ingredients and supplies can be procured through specialty shops or mail order. They're not cheap, but they're still way less than an expensive bottle of wine.

What's up with wine bottles going for five figures each? That's a year's salary in many households. What do they intend to do with it? Worship it? Put it on display? Stick it in a vault? Certainly not drink it and piss it out a few hours later. Me thinks ego has something to do with it. Ever considered charity?)

The froth—millions of tiny bubbles. It's an acquired appreciation.

The lower alcohol content makes it more gulpable and thirst-quenching.

Beer is the drink of choice for the jocks, jock wannabes, hangers-on, blue collar laborers, college frats, and dorms. It's a more brute strength, aggressive, manly drink. You grasp a can with a firm hand-shake grip, pop the top, gulp, then slam it on the counter when you're done or crunch it vice-like. Bottles can be opened with forearm, teeth, door knob, counter top, fork, or cap remover. You can build impressive arrays with the empties or shot gun a can to impress newbies.

Beer spills are far easier to clean. Follow the smell and you've got it. Wine stains are a pain and tend to linger.

Wine sulfinomides (whatever that is) cause allergic reactions in certain people. Beers don't have that junk

Not much pressure to overdrink to “finish off a bottle.” I've even saved unfinished beer in a filled-to-the-brim home glass jelly jar (air tight). It worked! (My mom used to save unfinished bottles of cheap wine all the time. She obviously did not care much about wine's finer subtleties.)

Beer mugs are easier to handle and far less likely to topple than wine glasses. Just look at the design of a typical wine glass. Horrible ergonomics: top heavy, anorexic stem, dainty pedestal, parchment paper-thin rim that can allegedly shatter by singing the right note. And shatter one of those and you've got a heck of a mess to clean. How are you even supposed to hold the thing? Seems everyone does whatever he or she pleases (palm up, fisted bowl; finger tips on stem with pinky extended; pencil writing style) acts indifferent, and it's all good. Maybe so, but for beer, function trumps style. Mugs have a solid feel with a firm heavy base and a thick, easy-to-grip handle. When alcohol is involved, that's exactly what you want—something that doesn't demand much coordination or depth perception, much less decision making over style or How am I even supposed to hold this dang thing? Am I doing it right?

The chances for social blunders are much greater when wine's involved, especially for the host. What to serve with the canape's? What pairs with the sea food? And is dessert wine necessary? This is getting expensive! Will they even notice? Are they worth it?

Get togethers involving beer are much more lax. Whatever's on sale will do or whichever brand has the best commercial or mass appeal. Guests enter and take the best seats around the TV showing pre-game analysis and help themselves to munchies. You say, “Want a cold on?” and toss a can underhand, butt end first in the general vicinity of each receiver. Or, if that's too formal 'cause you know the guests real well, just say, “help yourselves, they're in the fridge/cooler/garage.” There's no stigma about that 'cause if they don't like it, they could bring their own.